My face today:
This is me as I sit here typing, in a great amount of pain because of my ankle and as my mother would say "female problems", which has caused some breakouts. I've recently dyed my hair, but I'm already regretting the colour. I've bought replacement dye, so this will soon be rectified. The sides of my mouth are cut up from a previous virus, this is my face, in fact everything above my neck not prettied up for pictures, just as I am most days.
I have a love/hate relationship with my face, for years and years I thought if my skin cleared up, I worked out how to use make-up correctly then the fact I was fat would be negated. I would be one of those girls who got told they had pretty faces (for a fat girl). Seriously, that was one of my aims in life, how times have changed. Though I reject this premise now I still hate my skin. Its always been a problem, that I cannot seem to get a handle on, I have a fairly good routine, but due to depression issues I can go for weeks and months without doing it because well washing your face doesn't seem like a priority when you can barely get up everyday. I wish I was pale, not pink!
Another thing that initially grates on me in the today's first photos is the hair on my chin. Its something I actually never noticed until my blog was linked to a french forum where they make fun of bloggers. I noticed a lot of traffic so visited the site, big mistake! They blew up pictures of my neck, pointing out my "beard". Really, I know I have very fair hair, so I'm "lucky" in that respect, but seeing yet another thing about me that was not right.... Took a lot out of me, I can tell you, but I refuse to play that game any more. I have hair on my face, I am a mammal, it is blonde hair, that catches the light, say what you like, I'll laugh at your pathetic yammering whilst stroking my whiskers!
My last post and instagram selfies have had people commenting on my eyes, which was rather nice, I like the colour of my eyes, but in photos I tend to try and open them as wide as possible as they look tiny on my face! Doing self portraits in school made me realise my eyes are not level and one of my eyes closes more than the other. I know these are tiny things, other people probably do not see them, but when you look at your face and see things that are not "normal" it can make you very insecure. More and more I am seeing them as one of my most beautiful features.
What I love most about my face is that it is a canvas, I can paint it whatever way I like, black lips, full goth or bright eye colours & more glitter, why ever not? I love how when I really, properly smile you can tell because my eyes almost close, that is also the only time my smile isn't totally lopsided. I love my expressions, how I can dead pan, but never for very long, but most of all I love the ridiculous faces I pull usually at my mother or brother.
Though of everything above my neck my favourite thing is, of course, you know what is coming... My hair! Its been a great way of expressing myself and just having fun. I remember when I was a child my oldest brother dying his hair black, blue on multiple occassions, with a pink streak or fringe and just thinking it was the best thing in the world, that you didn't have to keep your appearance static, that you didn't have to have a natural hair colour. It was a revelation to tiny me, even being oh so naughty and rebellious (not) in my high school adding a green dip dye and later totally blue hair, which was against the rules. Coloured hair, changing my hair style and cut just makes me happy, it could even be seen as a way I have control over my life, often big hair cuts have been around stressful or big moments in my life.
One thing I hope to do this year is take more selfies, so I am getting back to my instagram because I think cataloging and getting to know yourself through photographs can be very therapeutic. Oh and to do something done with my eyebrows, maybe threading or shaving the fuckers off if needs be!
This is the second post of the lovely Leah's Love Every Body body positive series. I did not fulfill the first part, a letter to your body for personal reasons, but I am looking forward to going back and reading everyone's posts. I think its a wonderful series and if you don't follow Leah, then go, quick! She is fantastic, stylish, warm, genuine and all around lovely lady!